If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if only i could text you this smell
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sorry about my life...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
