Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
