i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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