Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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