Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
