Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
