Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
