toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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