She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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