Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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