I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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