i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
