Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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