Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
