I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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