he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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