Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
