What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
