I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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