Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
