im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
