Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
