I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
