I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
