i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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