he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize