I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
