turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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