well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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