I can text with my tongue
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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