A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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