omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
