Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
