Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
