Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
