I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
