1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
