Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
