Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
