I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
