The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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