the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize