I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
