I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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