I want to walk on stilts...naked
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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