At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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