A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
