So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
