Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
