Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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