When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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