she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
