My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
