Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
