Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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