This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
