He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize