i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
